Collected works and current thoughts
Off the top of my head, I can remember maybe 5 epiphanies I’ve had. While this is not one of those, the feeling was nearly the same.
I’ve been learning a few different internal martial arts with Rick Krause for maybe 8 years. I started with Tai Chi (long form, Yang style). It took me several years to memorize. I’m still learning the form. It’s better to treat “learning the form” as a journey, rather than a destination.
I started learning another form with Rick around 2 - 3 years ago. It is called Liuhebafa, and when I started its practice, I was drawn to its aesthetic compared Tai Chi. Where Tai Chi feels more martial in how I’ve been taught to expresse it, Liuhebafa feels more expansive; How I’ve been taught to express it both seems, and feels more circular, and more expressive.
In my probably failing memory, it took me 1.5 years to memorize the first 3/4ths of the form. From about 50% to 75% felt like it was taking exponentially longer. I remember weeks when I was not able to keep adding to what I knew. I was mentally blocked (not just in learning the form, but generally).
I started meditating after finishing a book I highly recommend, “How to Change Your Mind.” It took me months to read and digest the book. However, to summarize my journey:
- Hum, psychedelics are interesting
- Oh, they might actually help with chronic pain and depression (hint, they can)
- I must get psychedelics
- Oh, well maybe they are not so powerful without having a trained shaman/psychotherapist (I am not equating those options)
- Oh, based on how Meditation works, it can be a path to the same thing (both psilocibin and meditation modulate the default mode network - just read the damn book)
- I’ll start meditating because I can do that now, and if the universe sends me psychedelics, I’ll consider that as well
I started meditating around mid november 2019, at the beginning of December 2019, I was flying to my consulting gig. Just after settling in I started meditating, as I had been doing now for a few weeks. After about an hour, early in the flight since I started meditating before we took off, I decided to do something atypical.
I opened up my laptop and started watching videos of Rick practicing Liuhebafa. I helped him make the videos. I even have them split into 8 parts to make it easier to work on a section. Nothing for months had stopped me from using those videos. However, I just didn’t even consider it, up until then.
Over the next 75 minutes, I memorized the remaining 25% of the form by watching the videos, mimicking through visualization, under-expressed hand and foot motions, with my eyes closed. I started in the middle of video 6. After finishing part 6, I started on part 7. 20 minutes later, I started the last part. I kept on part 8 until I got it, then I worked through the new material. Immediately after my first successful completion of the 25% I had just memorized, I felt a rush of giddiness. Additionally, I’d say I was seeing starts, but that’s not right, it was some kind of brief visual experience; At the time I thought I was momentarily in an altered state (most likely a rush of adrenaline). Then I was emotionally overwhelmed for several minutes (in a good way - and this experience is what reminded me of how epiphanies have manifested in my body as they occur).
That all passed. I took a moment to burn the memory into my brain. Next, I then spent the remainder of the flight visualizing the entire form (sped up to work through it multiple times). I confirmed that I had the entire form memorized. I still did not, nor do I yet know the form some 14 months later as I write this (learning is a journey, not a destination), but I was past a critical step.
To finish the evening, I left the plane, got my rental car, went to the hotel, all as usual. About 11:15 PM, I went down to the open area in front of the grand ballroom. I turned on some music, and practiced the form. I made several minor missteps (still do, probably always will), but I made it through the form.
I had been blocked for months. After starting meditation, things felt a bit quieter. Not “fixed” but overall reduced. Then 2 weeks in to daily meditation, bam! I memorize 25% of the form in under 2 hours, where the first 75% had taken me 18 months, give or take.
I do not know that it was meditation that broke my internal mental block. It’s just correlation. However, the more I meditate, the less I care whether it is only correlation.
I felt a recent mental shift near the end of November 2020. It feels like I went from mostly habituated meditation (I should meditate today) to wanting to meditate many days. Not every day, probably not even most days, but many days. I guess less like an obligation to myself because I said I’d do it, and more like time for self-care, which I been learning to accept is necessary.
Since that flight in December 2019, I have continued to refine my understanding of the both forms. For some time, I preferred the aesthetic of the shiny new form. Now I’ve applied some style from each into the other. I’m also working on Bagua circle walking, with a number of different palm changes (dragon, bear, single hook).
That’s not to say that I still don’t have my bad days. I do. I’ve regressed a bit on Bagua for a few weeks. However, even after most bad days, I remember, so long as I didn’t kill anybody today, tomorrow can be a better day.
I’ll leave with this analogy:
- resistance training is to your muscles, what meditation is to your mind
If you want a strong brain, consider giving meditation a try.
